


Our shitty love story

by Flicksdrabbles



Series: Haikyuu Soulmate Au [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety will be a key point in this, Depression, Depression is a key point in this, Grumpy and depressed Kags, Happy ball of fluff Hinata w/ anxiety, I'm trying to make his depression genuine, M/M, Mentions of Blood, More tags to be added and probably some tags to be removed, Protect the smols, STOCKING UP ON CHAPTERS FOR NOW, Soulmate AU, Soulmate au where you feel the pain your soulmate / soulmates feel, TEMPORARY HAIATUS, Team Mom Sugawara Koushi, UNTIL ROUGHLY SEPT 20TH, because not everyone expiriences depression like that, future fluff, future smut?, in which Suga is mom friend and tries his very best to help Kags, instead of 'oh man I wanna die', mentions of cutting, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 17:05:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7447078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flicksdrabbles/pseuds/Flicksdrabbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soulmate au; you can feel the pain your soulmate feels. Typically physical pain, though it can be emotional pain as well.</p>
<p>Kageyama has had depression for years, and believes his soulmate doesn't exist. Who could truly love him? He hurt himself so often, even though he knew they - if they were real - could feel it. He was broken, inside, and out.</p>
<p>Hinata had anxiety for years, worried about whether or not his soulmate could love him. He dwells on who it could be each day. Feeling constant pain, and suffering from his soulmate. He wants to help, though he's too anxious to go asking around for his soulmate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kageyamas inner angst

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is essentially the 'figure out wtf is up with Kags' which means it's in his pov. Next pov is in Hinatas.
> 
> Also, while Suga was tagged in this, he is not part of this relationship. I'm planning on writing a lot more, showing how everyone on the team met their soulmates. So essentially I plan to do it as; Daisuga, Asanoya, Tsukkiyama, Kiyoko/Yachi etc. Essentially, the main ships for the characters. I probably will branch out to doing other teams, as well as meshing some people from one team, with another team.
> 
> Because I'm a multishipping whore

What is the point in having a soulmate, when they could never love you? I’m tired of searching for a soulmate; there’s no point to it. Everyone always tells me I’ll be less depressed with my mate. That’s a lie. There’s no way a mate could rid me of depression. It doesn’t make sense to me. Just because I have a soulmate, doesn’t mean they’ll cure me. I’ve been depressed for years. So how could some idiot I’m destined to be with, make me suddenly better.

I glanced at my upper thighs, examining the cuts littering my light skin. It hurt. Not just to have them, but to look at them. It proved how weak I was. How utterly pathetic I truly could be. I wasn’t proud of the cuts, and scars. But they were part of me. And they would always be part of me now.

I held my small razor blade in my hands, examining the small streams of blood coating it. I always used it when I needed to indulge. It brought bad memories to look at it; and yet, it was part of me now. I’ve grown attached to the way it feels in my hands. The cool, blood covered metal, pressing against my skin. It almost felt comforting. As strange as that is. I always made sure my razor was near by, whether it be in my bedside drawer, or even a spare duffle bag. I hated having the razor, but I could never bring myself to keep away from it. It was familiar.

I moved the razor down to my left thigh. Hesitating for a moment, before pulling away. I had done more than enough damage to myself for one night. Maybe if I just stopped now, I wouldn’t feel too bad at school tomorrow. I let out a heavy sigh, wiping the blood covered razor on the bottom of my shirt. I figured I should at least somewhat clean it before putting it back. When I deemed the razor clean enough, I placed it back in my bedside drawer. 

I got off of my bed, and walked to my bathroom. Staring at my pale complexion in the mirror. My eyes were puffy, red, and were a dull blue. They hadn’t been bright lately. Always a dull, dark blue void. I never really noticed how terrible I looked, but I guess it’s to be expected. I felt like shit, so of course, I’d look like shit. It was perfectly natural. I placed my fingers over the bags under my eyes, examining just how exhausted I looked. At first glance, I would definitely look like I hadn’t slept in a week. I placed the palms of my hands on the sink. Feeling the cold, unwelcoming porcelain. In some ways, the sink almost reminded me of myself. Cold, unwelcoming, a pale white, and constantly forgotten by shitty people.

I moved the the cabinet, grabbing some bandages. I slowly tended to my cuts, ensuring I wouldn’t bleed all over my bed tonight. The last thing I wanted to do, was clean blood covered bedsheets tomorrow after practice. When I finished stopping the bleeding, I placed some bandages over the cuts. I slightly cringed, feeling the bandages press against me.  
I put everything back in its respective place, and made my way out of the bathroom, and back into my bedroom. I took a quick glance at my alarm clock, eyes widening at the time. 4:08 am. It was a lot later than I expected. I had to wake up at 7:00 am. So if I slept now, I’d get around three hours of sleep tonight. Just perfect.

I crawled into my bed, choosing to lessen how shitty I’d feel in the morning. I’d already feel like shit; so why make it even worse by staying up? 

It felt like I had simply shut my eyes, and then I heard the dreaded sound of my alarm. I slowly shut it off, feeling upset that my sleep couldn’t have lasted longer. I always felt at ease when I was asleep. Almost like I was content with life whenever I allowed myself to sleep.

I got out of bed, my vision blurred, and my body weak. It was always like this in the morning. The dull sting of last nights activities. My vision blurry with sleep. My body weak from a mixture of both. I stumbled over to my dresser, grabbing my school uniform. I slowly shrugged it on, careful of my thighs.

When I was dressed, I catered to my general appearance. I brushed my hair, put on deodorant, and covered my heavy bags with some concealer I had borrowed from Kiyoko - which was an awkward conversation to have. Afterwards, I grabbed my bag, - which had my uniform inside - and walked out of my bedroom. I looked around the house, seeing how nobody was awake. I shrugged, and grabbed an apple from the kitchen counter, and quickly ate it. I glanced over at the clock, and forced my eyes to focus on the time it displayed. 7:15. I sighed, knowing I better start heading to school. It was a fifteen minute walk, and school started at eight. 

I made my way over to the front door, opening it, and walking outside. Once outside, I shut the door, and locked it. I placed the house key in my pocket, figuring I’d just put it in my bag once I make it to school. I began walking towards the school, keeping my head down the entire way. By the time I had made it to school, Hinata was walking beside me. As much as I’d like to say he’s a friend, there’s no way my brain would allow myself to grow attached enough to call him such. He was nice, energetic, and normally bubbly, no matter the occasion. Only on few occasions, had I seen him genuinely sad, or angry. However, today felt different. The mood surrounding us felt dim. Obviously something was wrong with him today, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. It wasn’t any of my business, and we weren’t really friends; just teammates, former enemies. I was his setter, and he was my spiker. Nothing more, and nothing less.

We entered the school grounds together, though our minds were elsewhere. Sure we were next to each other, but we barely noticed the other. 

The school day was slow. It seemingly dragged on and on. And yet, it felt like a blur. I couldn’t remember anything, other than how slow it was going by. It was an odd feeling, though I’ve grown used to it. Most days felt like that to me. A slow blur. Insignificant. Nothing new ever happened. Nothing drastic. Nothing enjoyable.

Before I knew it, it was practice time. I didn’t want to show up today. But I did it anyway. I waited to change, waiting until it was just me in the locker room. I didn’t want anyone to see my cuts. If they did, there’s no telling how they’d see me. What they’d suddenly think. I couldn’t bare the thought of forcing my issues onto them. They never asked to witness a sad teenager bitch about life, so why should I force it upon them? 

I changed quickly, doing it one step at a time. First I changed shirts, it was the easiest to change, and it’d be the quickest. Next was the pants. I took extra care to finish the deed quickly, in the event someone came back in the room for something.

By the time I completely shrugged off my pants, I heard the sound of the locker room door opening. I froze, my brain stopping momentarily. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. I was petrified.


	2. Hinatas inner love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata and Suga find out about what Kageyama has been doing, by barging in on him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hinatas POV

I shook with fear. My soulmate was doing it again. I felt sharp strings of pain litter my thighs. My head was heavy, and my breathing was labored. I was always terrified when my soulmate would do this. I knew what they were doing far too well. It was obvious they were cutting their thighs. Leaving lengthy scars across themselves. It always made me sick to think about how their life has resulted in this. That they felt so hopeless towards life, that they’d resort to hurting themselves. It killed me inside. I wanted to help them. To hug them. To tell them that they’d be okay. That I love them. Not because I have to, but because it’s true. I love my soulmate. I’ve never met them, and I have no clue who they are. And yet, despite the pain they cause me every night, despite the constant panic, and anxiety attacks I get because of them; I love them. They’re perfect, in their own imperfect way.

People tell me it’s ridiculous how I could love someone who causes me harm. But I always shrug it off, telling them it’s okay. Perhaps they don’t realize what they’re doing to me. Causing me physical, and emotional pain. People tell me to forget about them, to drop my attachments to them. But I could never do that. I love them. And I know the minute I meet them, I’m going to push past my anxiety, and hug them. Because, even after all the pain they’ve caused me. I know what they’re going through is far worse.

Eventually the sharp stings of pain began to fade away, into a dull sting. I tried to calm my breathing, knowing they were done for the night. Whenever the pain began to disappear, I knew they were content enough to rest. I forced a small smile onto my face, as I gently shook my body back and forth. They were done for the night. No more pain for them, or for me. For the rest of the night. They’d be fine. And I would be fine.

Eventually my breathing calmed, and I was able to lay back on my bed. I had been woken up by the pain I felt on my thighs earlier. But now, I was finally able to rest up for the whole night. It was late, judging by the quick glance at my alarm clock. And I was slowly lulled into sleep.

I shot up from my bed, hearing my alarm clock blaring through my ears. In a panicked state, I quickly shut off my alarm. I took a few heavy breaths, intending to calm myself down. After a few tries, I was able to pull myself off of the bed. I got changed quickly, taking small glances down at my thighs. I observed the tanned skin, staring down at the faint lines I could make out across my skin. They never lasted long. Maybe a day or so, To make it obvious that my soulmate hate hurt themselves. I felt the dull pain across the lines, but ignored it like I always do.

I finished changing. Grabbing my bag, I ran out of my room. I went to the kitchen first, grabbing a protein bar my mom left for me on the counter. I quickly opened it, and began eating it, as I left the house.

The walk to school was a long one. I spent the time wondering about my soulmate. How they’re feeling right now. What they’re doing. I was always curious about them; wondering silly things, like what school they went to. Maybe they were someone I already knew. Maybe they even play volleyball. I let out a small laugh, imagining one of my teammates being my soulmate. It was an amusing thought, and it kept me occupied throughout the walk.

I wasn’t sure how it happened, but eventually I caught up to Kageyama. I said a quick hello, and frowned when he never received one back. Normally it wouldn’t be too big of a deal, but today Kageyama seemed defeated. I didn’t feel like Kageyama was okay today. I frowned, and began walking beside Kageyama, occasionally looking up at him. It hurt to see Kageyama like this. Sure, he could be really rude to him, and to others. But Kageyama was his teammate, and it worried him when he saw him upset. I wanted to hug Kageyama, tell him it’d be okay. Reassure him that he can always talk to me. But I’d never be able to do that. Kageyama was my teammate, and certainly didn’t think of me as a friend. 

The school day was slow. I couldn’t take my mind off of Kageyama. For some reason, I wanted to help cheer him up. Though, I wasn’t exactly sure what I could do. It’s not like I could just go up to him. He’d probably just get mad at me.

By the time practice rolled around, I decided to talk to Sugawara about my worries with Kageyama. He was nice enough to listen to my issues, and explain to me that if Kageyama needs help, he’ll talk to us. He told me to try to get closer to Kageyama, so he knows he could trust me, and the rest of the team.  
Sugawara and I continued talking, when Daichi told us to get changed. We had put it off for a while, and I guess he got a bit frustrated. Sugawara reassured me, and we continued talking as we moved to the locker room. I pushed the heavy door open, and entered the cramped, and smelly room. I hadn’t paid too much attention, until I heard a small noise come from Sugawara. I looked at him, and then looked at what he was shocked by. 

In front of me, was Kageyama. His grim blue eyes were wide, his face paler than usual. And scars littering his upper thighs.

Just like Sugawara, I made a small noise out of shock. And my eyes went wide.


End file.
